Catalyst

In the past I've written a lot of blogs and in reality they have truly been more like public journals of my own development. And thus this is yet again going to be one of those... But this blog is different because it's going to be more focused on my spiritual journey. (It's a long story which will come to unravel itself) But today and yesterday while I was meditating (picking it up again) I realized I needed to write about my progress... Yesterday there was a distinct moment that I caught in which my mind fogged up and I noticed that my body was getting tired (sleep nod, you know that nod you get when you start falling asleep and gravity pulls you forward and your head resists?-resulting in waking up/becoming more conscious?) So that was interesting... But starting from the beginning, Ken, my fiance, and also a meditation teacher has been teaching me how to meditate... first it was learn how to sit straight, and then it was learn patience and finally its: Learn to clear your mind like a glass, be there but not there... basically the cryptic stuff the wise men spew and you have no understanding until you get there... but today... I wasn't having such a good day of meditating because I was too caught up... I wasn't clearing my mind and watching my thoughts pass with unattachment (I tell ya it's a lot easier to focus on your breath than focusing on not focusing on your thoughts... D<. Anyways I got to thinking about my new kitten and I thought well what's the meaning of her in my life? Him! Sorry him-K'nightfury (When we brought him home he reminded me so much of toothless in "How to train a Dragon". Anyways Kittens are the embodiment of playfulness... so I realized I haven't done that in a while (besides this weekend when we went swimming with the family) but I missed it, a lot, I missed creating with my hands, I imagined sculting a clay statue of a leaf, the joy I got from painting with my hands... and basically realizing I need to find that playful spirit again I miss it. And since being in a relationship... I miss the single mindset... the mindset thats "I'm okay,I'm good, I'm good enough for myself and any guy would be lucky to have me"... that sexy confident free feeling... Not saying that I don't like being in a relationship but that... I miss feeling that I was good enough. And that is in no way stressing that my fiance doesn't make me feel good enough, it's unfortunately a side effect of being asian and low self esteem... but I thought of cats, and how entitled they feel to the world, they don't feel bad for taking up space, for having needs and wants... and I just think that I need that. I need to feel okay to be myself again... and spirituality has always brought me there-has always made me happy, grateful for everything around me, made me feel enough. I'm trying to feel that way again, trying to feel that it's okay to open up to the potiential of my true self... you know that poem by Marianne Williamson. Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. That is a fear that I am working towards.